My wife and child have been moved to a safe location in anticipation (you know how to say it) of the fall out from this scathing, extremely well researched and sourced (shut up) blog post.
Yes, after years of exploitation I'm uncovering the truth of Big Bay Leaf and the way they've attempted to control our lives.
How much money have you spent on bay leaves in the past year? StatsCanada data show it is as much as tens of dollars per household annually! [It's from an obscure report you'll never find. Trust me, don't bother with an FOI.]
I'm sure you've been served food and said, 'Oh, too much salt!' (I've never said it, but I've heard others express the thought) or, 'this is bland, haven't you heard of that new thing called spices?' (I'm pretty sure I didn't say that, it was somebody else).
Have you ever heard anyone say, 'Oh my God! How many bay leaves did you put in this thing!? Are you trying to kill me?!'
Yeah, I didn't think so.
How about, 'I can never eat that kind of ethnic food because they use too much bay leaf in everything.'
Or this (say it using Martha Stewart's voice), 'Whenever I cook from a recipe I always double the amount of bay leaf recommended because there's just never enough for my taste.'
Of course you haven't.
And the reason you've never heard any of those things said is because, wait for it, wait for it, BAY LEAVES DON'T ACTUALLY DO ANYTHING!!!11!!one!!!
That's right, I said it: Bay leaves don't do anything.
They don't even get you high like oregano! (I think that was oregano.)
Deep in your heart, you've always known it's true, but you've been afraid to say so because of the way Big Bay Leaf controls so many aspects of your personal and professional lives as well as micro and macroeconomic levels.
Don't be afraid, the truth will set you free.
The first thing we all have to do is stop using bay leaves.
It will be hard at first… wait, no it won't because BAY LEAVES DON'T DO ANYTHING!!!11!!one!!!
And the second thing is, um, well there is no second thing, just stop being sucked in and stop using bay leaves and embrace the freedom.
You don't even need to find a substitute.
Because BAY LEAVES DON'T DO ANYTHING!!!11!!one!!!
Try and remain focused on this important issue.
Spread the news, tell your friends that your food might have gluten, high fructose corn syrup and a little bit of melamine but there is no bay leaf because BAY LEAVES DON'T DO ANYTHING!!!11!!one!!!
If we all work together we can break the stranglehold Big Bay Leaf uses to control our lives from the headquarters in Geneva (I assume, because where else would their headquarters be? Burbank?), and once that's done maybe we can finish off those bastards on Wall Street.
Sources used for the extensive research in this blog post