Monday, February 15, 2016

Scandal status: CONFIRMED

I hope you will excuse my hiatus, but it has been absolutely necessary to take time away from this blog to conduct my extensive investigation.
Glenn Greenwald would be proud.

(Or perhaps profoundly ashamed to be mentioned in this blog. [I imagine him getting a chill as I write this with his partner becoming worried looking at his ashen face asking, “What’s the matter?” and, slowly, taking time to recover his composure Greenwald replies: “There’s been a disturbance in the Force.” {Perhaps this has amused me more than you.}]}

My hiatus has taken me to the far reaches of the earth, from the heights of the Himalayas, to the depths of the Marianas Trench, I even mistakenly ended up at an Olive Garden.

Finally, after exhaustively confirming and reconfirming sources, leads and Snapchat videos I can reveal the singular greatest scandal of our time.

Greater than the scandal about the integrity of journalism within the gaming industry, because, let’s face it, there’s no actual scandal.

You will be shocked, shocked I tell you to find out that…
…wait for it…

…let the tension build…

…trust me, I took a script writing course, I know what I’m doing…

…aww, dammit, I spilled my drink…

…okay, here it is:

MEMBERS OF THE INTERNET 
THEREFORE BE IT RESOLVED THAT:
I have unequivocal proof Drake and Adele have been in a secret relationship since 2009.

EXHIBIT ONE

To which Drake replied:

EXHIBIT TWO


FURTHER, I posess evidence of the long, troubled history of the relationship.


THERFORE BE IT RESOLVED (Sorry, the only thing I know is Robert’s Rules) Drake and Adele have had a torrid love affair which has recently ended leaving each of them heart broken.

See, I can explain everything.


ADDENDUM
No, I do not see the relevance of linear time to my argument.


Related Links
Glenn Greenwald [The Intercept]
Time complexity [Wikipedia]
Robert's Rules of Order [Official]
Post a Comment