Saturday, June 30, 2012

Best. Spam. Ever. (continued - now with more crazy)

Speaking of crazy...
Way, way back, shortly after the earth cooled I received an email. (Yeah, that's right, I had email before it was cool. [That's right, I had email before the earth cooled. {I know, I know, but it seemed like a better joke before I typed it, and if I had to suffer through it, then you do too; and the email I'm referring to arrived in April, this year}]).

Anyhoo, the this email was appropriately caught in my spam filter which I have to check periodically because there is the remote possibility someone will have offered me a job in my field of training paying well enough to pay off my training.

(Will write words, make video or take pictures for food.)

This original email claimed to be from the FBI and alleged there was a warrant for my arrest.

I was sceptical about its claims because I assume the actual FBI would capitalize their own initials in their own email.

It was all very amusing and I blogged about it so you would be amused too.

Now, it turns out, I've received a follow up email because I didn't take some sort of unspecified action.

Apparently now I'm in real trouble, to wit:

Anti-Terrorist and Monetary Crimes Division
Fbi Headquarters In Washington, D.C.
Federal Bureau Of Investigation
J. Edgar Hoover Building
935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington, D.C. 20535-0001 Website: www.fbi.gov

Attention, this is the final warning you are going to receive from me do you get me?

I hope youre understand how many times this message has been sent to you?.

We have warned you so many times and you have decided to ignore our e-mails or because you believe we have not been instructed to get you arrested, and today
<<Saturday, June 30, 2012>> if you fail to respond back to us with the payment then, we would first send a letter to the mayor of the city where you reside and direct them to close your bank account until you have been jailed and all your properties will be confiscated by the fbi <<I didn't know the Dianne Watts had that kind of power. I hope she uses it for good, not evil>>. We would also send a letter to the company/agency that you are working for so that they could get you fired <<Go ahead and try>> until we are through with our investigations  because a suspect is not suppose to be working for the government or any private organization <<Huh? What about innocent until proven guilty. Never mind, I forgot about the Patriot Act>>.

Your id which we have in our database been sent to all the crimes agencies in America for them to inset you in their website as an internet fraudsters and to warn people from having any deals with you. This would have been solved all this while if you had gotten the certificate signed, endorsed and stamped as you where instructed in the e-mail below
<<Bear in mind all this text comes from an attachment, and the text from the previous email was in the subject line and there was no text in the body of the email>>. this is the federal bureau of investigation (fbi) am writing in response to the e-mail you sent to us <<I never sent one, of course>> and am using this medium to inform you that there is no more time left to waste because you have been given from the 3rd of January. As stated earlier to have the document endorsed, signed and stamped without failure <<What document?>> and you must adhere to this directives to avoid you blaming yourself at last when we must have arrested and jailed you for life and all your properties confiscated <<Yes, I'd hate to blame myself for that>>.

You failed to comply with our directives and that was the reason why we didn't hear from you on the 3rd as our director has already been notified about you get the process completed yesterday and right now the warrant of arrest has been signed against you and it will be carried out in the next 48hours as strictly signed by the fbi director. We have investigated and found out that you didn't have any idea when the fraudulent deal was committed with your information's/identity and right now if you id is placed on our website as a wanted person, i believe you know that it will be a shame to you and your entire family because after then it will be announce in all the local channels that you are wanted by the fbi
<<Yes, that would be a shame>>. As a good Christian and a honest man  <<Who am I to judge?>>, I decided to see how i could be of help to you because i would not be happy to see you end up in jail and all your properties confiscated all because your information's was used to carry out a fraudulent transactions, i called the efcc <<The who? (No, not the Who)>> and they directed me to a private attorney who could help you get the process done and he stated that he will endorse, sign and stamp the document at the sum of $98.00 usd only and i believe this process is cheaper for you <<Not cheaper than doing nothing?>>.

You need to do everything possible within today and tomorrow to get this process done because our director has called to inform me that the warrant of arrest has been signed against you and once it has been approved, then the arrest will be carried out, and from our investigations we learnt that you were the person that forwarded your identity to one impostor/fraudsters in Nigeria when he had a deal with you about the transfer of some illegal funds into your bank account which is valued at the sum of $10.500,000.00 usd
<<Wait a minute, I have $10.50? Sweet Enola Gay! I'm rich!>>.

I pleaded on your behalf so that this agency could give you till 6/230/2012
<<Is that a stardate?>> so that you could get this process done because i learnt that you were sent several e-mail without getting a response from you, please bear it in mind that this is the only way that i can be able to help you at this moment or you would have to face the law and its consequences once it has befall on you. You would make the payment through western union money transfer with the below details.

NAME: OBI JACOB
ADDRESS:  LAGOS  NIGERIA
TEXT QUESTION:FOR
ANSWER: YOU
AMOUNT: $98
Senders name======
<<Didn't you just accuse me of having dealings in Nigeria?>>
Send the payment details to me which are senders name and address, mtcn number, text question and answer used and the amount sent. Make sure that you didn't hesitate making the payment down to the agency by today so that they could have the certificate endorsed, signed and stamped immediately without any further delay. After all this process has been carried out, then we would have to proceed to the bank for the transfer of your compensation funds which is valued at the sum of $10.500,000.00 usd which was suppose to have been transferred to you all this while. <<I'm supposed to pay $98 so you can send me $10.50. Yeah, that's right I saw the other decimal point>>

Note/ all the crimes agencies have been contacted on this regards and we shall trace and arrest you if you disregard this instructions. You are given a grace today to make the payment for the document after which your failure to do that will attract a maximum arrest
<<"Maximum" arrest? Is that how one ends up at Guantanamo Bay?>> and finally you will be appearing in court for act of terrorism, money laundering and drug trafficking charges <<Drug trafficking? Where the hell did that come from?>>, so be warned not to try any thing funny <<Soooo, is it too late now?>> because you are been watched <<Do you see me waving? That's right, I'm waving to indicate you're number one!>>.

THANKS FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION.

ROBERT MUELLER

WASHINGTON DC

Anti-Terrorist and Monetary Crimes Division
Fbi Headquarters In Washington, D.C.
Federal Bureau Of Investigation
J. Edgar Hoover Building
935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington, D.C. 20535-0001 Website: www.fbi.gov 
Just for the record, the spelling, grammatical and punctuation errors in the above quoted text aren't mine (for a change), I just didn't want to write "sic" after each one because I know there'd be something I wouldn't recognize as an error and then someone (you know who you are) would call me on it and I'd have to call them a jerk (you know who you are) and they'd be all embarrassed because the whole Internet would realize they were a jerk (you know who you are.)

At least now there is a specific action I'm called to take.
Related links
Best. Spam. Ever. [A Boy and His Blog]
Federal Bureau of Investigation [The real FBI]

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